Sighs and Hallelujahs Stories and thoughts about the adventures of life without arms

I’m Not a Shark

It feels like this sometimes, doesn't it?  Out of place, over-matched and just hoping that the real sharks don't notice you.

I know most of us feel it at times.  Some weeks we're feeling good about ourselves and our confidence is high.  Others, well, we feel totally inadequate and like a fraud.  This past week was riddled with "I'm a f-ing goldfish with a fake shark fin!" moments for me.  Moments that made me want to run (or swim?) and hide.

Unprepared.  Feeling unsupported.  Aware that I was now in the ocean.  Recognizing that those close to me got to see me for who I really was -- a goldfish that had no right to be swimming with the sharks.  It was terrifying to be so scared, alone and overwhelmed.  And, worst, to recognize that I'd lost the trust of those to whom I so desperately cling to for approval.  "Please, Lord, just let them see the fin!"

What struck me most about the events of the past week is how deficient I felt.  Simply, I felt small and counterfeit.  It's just not the way I'm used to feeling at work.  However, this weekend it struck me that it's exactly the way I feel most every day when it comes to functioning with a disability.

"Please, Lord, just help me not stand out too much."  That phrase plays like a broken record in my mind, over and over.  Such a silly request for a guy without arms!  How in the world will I not stand out in so many contexts?

I feel like this posturing fish most of the time, though.  "No, thanks.  I think I've got it.  I appreciate the offer of help, though," I say, as I do my damnedest to swim in a pattern that makes me look like a shark on the surface of the water.  And, in all honesty, most of the time I feel like I've gotten away with it.  "You're amazing," I hear as the terror strikes - the terror that they might just see past the surface of the water.

I'm a goldfish, folks.  That's what I realized this week.  I may have pulled off the shark routine to some last week and I even got the affirmation of "very good job."  But, that game only goes well for so long.  Tonight I'm jumping out of the water to reveal what's below the surface.

Over the next week I'll spend some time here at Sighs & Hallelujahs exploring the ways that I deal with the "I'm a f-ing goldfish with a fake shark fin!" syndrome around my disability. For those in the same ocean, I hope you can resonate with what I'm saying and realize that you're not the only one feeling so scared and vulnerable.

And, for those that aren't disabled, I hope you'll learn -- and that themes the I explore will be helpful to each and every one of us as we consider those areas in which we feel so small and inadequate.