Fear of the Unknown
Just a quick check-in tonight. Although I wanted to post something soon, as I missed my normal Sunday night update, I also stopped by here tonight to clear my mind a bit.
This past week or so I've been working on a research paper for my Old Testament class in grad school. This is my second to last class before I fulfill my requirements and graduate. Exciting, huh?
Well, the process of writing this last paper for this class has felt like a slog through the mud. I write quite a bit and I even have a clear picture of where I'm headed with this 10-page paper. Ten pages sounds like a lot, but it really is relatively short in contrast to previous assignments. Although, admittedly, I just want to be finished with classes and my brain has checked out a bit, the struggle to finish this paper has felt much harder than simple "senior-itis". Then, during a dream last night, it hit me!
In my dream I was sitting at the location of my commencement ahead of the ceremony and I just broke down. It felt so overwhelming to be done. I remember saying to a classmate, "Who will I be after this? This is all I've known for so long." It was a horrifying feeling! I was at this event that was supposed to be a celebration and, instead, it felt like an ending -- the death of a part of my identity. I woke up with tears streaming down my face and I thought, "I wonder what that was all about."
As I thought about it this morning, it became clear. For as much excitement, celebration and freedom that lies ahead of me as I complete my degree these next few weeks, I am also very afraid of the unknown. I suppose we all are. Who will I be, at my core, once I have my Master's? What will fill that void of classes and being a student? Those are tough ones for me to answer right now, as silly as it might sound.
All I know is that I'll have to push through it in order to get this damn paper written, because the due date isn't going to wait for me to sort out my life!
The Times they are a Changin’
You can almost hear Bob Dylan's voice, huh? Well, although Dylan was a great songwriter, this post is about changes happening in my life. I'm narcissistic like that!
If you're like me, you tend to mark your life at various checkpoints. Only X number of days until the World Cup starts. In two months I'll be going on a vacation. In a year I hope to be doing such and such. So much of my life seems to be spent anticipating the next milestone.
As you most likely know, just a few weeks ago I returned for an extended trip to Italy where I savored the slower pace of life, fantastic food, great wine and natural beauty (both the land and the people!). Even after returning, I kept marking this trip as a key checkpoint. What's next, I thought?
I didn't have to wait long for an answer! Here is what is next for me --
New Job: After ten and a half years at the job I started straight out of college, it was time for a change. After discussions with my previous employer ahead of my trip to Italy, it was agreed that I'd have a short transition period upon my return and then we'd go our separate ways. Time to start the job search, I decided! Upon my return to the U.S., I had a voice message waiting for me from a perspective employer. The next day we talked and they offered me a job. So, one June 1st I started at Masterworks. They are a fundraising agency, just like my previous employer, and I'm excited to have started my new adventure with them last week.
In addition to a pay raise and an agreement to keep my hours worked at a reasonable level, I am joining a group of friends that I had previously worked with. This has made for a nice transition and has helped me, since I'm not exactly one who loves change!
Upcoming Graduation: Although I'm still in the throws of reading and writing papers, the finish line is within sight. On June 26th I will graduate from Mars Hill Graduate School with a Master of Arts in Christian Studies. Even without immediate plans to employ my new degree by heading down a different career path, the personal gain that I've received over these past seven years has been monumental. The years at this school have changed me in ways that I'm eternally grateful for.
In addition to a nifty certificate to display on my shelf, I'm most excited to complete this degree in that it will free up my evenings and weekends for time to relax, play and commune with friends and family. Since September of 2003, most of my evenings and weekends have been occupied with classes, studying and writing papers. Between spending less hours at the office and not dedicating my spare moments to school, I truly believe that my free time will be revolutionized!
Fillin' Up the Free Time: You know I can't just have free time! In all honesty, I've had a couple minor anxiety attacks about what I'll do with all my free time. Not so much the time itself, but who Greg Buell will be once school and working excessive hours are out of the picture. Who am I without those things that have defined me these past ten years?
With the help of trusted friends and advisers, I've pulled together a list of items that I'm going to pursue in my newly-found time: more writing, exercise and time with friends.
- Writing: if you like reading this blog, then you're in luck. (If not, then why are you on this site?!) Currently I'm lucky to find an hour or two per week to write. My new commitment is to dedicate six hours per week to writing. Now, not all of that will be spent here at Sighs and Hallelujahs. But, you will see more frequent posts. Plus, I plan to begin telling my story in a different way -- by working on a memoir about growing up without arms and the moments that have shaped my life. Whether it ever sees the light of day, who knows. Either way, it's within me and it needs to get put down on paper.
- Exercise: have you seen me lately?! Just joking. But, as I get older my flexibility is getting more limited and the extra weight I carry doesn't help that. So, I plan to start yoga classes for flexibility and will be doing regular cardiovascular workouts. If you ever want to walk Greenlake with me, just let me know!
-Time with Friends: the biggest lesson I learned in Italy was to slow down and to enjoy real relationships and conversations -- the ones right in front of me. With so much of our time spent on email, Facebook, texting and phone calls, it's a wonder we ever find time to actually hang out with one another in person! Although it may sound ambitious, my goal is to truly connect and commune with friends twice a week. I'm not talking a quick happy hour, then on to the next thing. I really want to take time to enjoy a meal, share a bottle of wine, or hear and share stories and laughs without feeling rushed. So, contact me if you want to be on the list early on! This is the most exciting part of these upcoming changes for me.
The times they are a changin'. Yes, indeed, they are. And I can't wait to see what life holds!
Tattoo Artist
After seven long years of pursuing my graduate degree, this June I will finish with a Master of Arts in Christian Studies from Mars Hill Graduate School. This is certainly different than the counseling degree that I pursued from the outset. Working full-time (or more) throughout this time period, my schooling has led to great personal growth -- but I leave with no discernible call to switch careers immediately.
It's in this context that I wrote this free-verse as a final creative project for a class on moral discourse within the counseling setting. I struggled with what the lessons learned meant for me, considering I am not planning on employing my skills in a therapeutic context.
It was years ago that I began this journey.
I thought God was calling me;
calling me to become a counselor –
a guide, a companion, a friend
to kids and families in need.
I knew far too well that children with disabilities and their families
faced a mysterious and lonely path.
Maybe I could help.
Working full-time and driving to Bothell for classes,
I began to study for the plan that seemed so clear.
Up to this point I had minimized by disability;
just trying to be “normal,” to fit in.
It seemed as if God’s light had shone
and that my career path was becoming more clear.
But, then, it all changed.
I’m not sure if God ever called me in the first place,
or if He changed His mind.
Either way, the practicums and classes
had me living out of my head 24 hours a day.
It was not a healthy place for me.
Granted, I had always lived out of my head.
But, now I had so many others’ shit to worry about.
In order to save my sanity, I had to act.
This was about self-preservation.
This was about not destroying myself while helping others.
I could not pursue this as a career.
I would simply continue my fundraising work
and would finish classes as I could.
With mounting student loans,
I still wanted something to show for my money.
A switch to an easier Master of Christians Studies it was.
Honestly, this was a financial decision.
One where my life wouldn’t have to change,
but where I could justify the expense of a graduate degree.
Or, so I thought.
This is the mysterious thing about God.
I’ve never understood how He directs us down different paths,
all along knowing our destination
would be slightly west of the original plan.
I entered this last year of study with “just finish” as my goal.
No career plans, no big celebrations.
“Get your degree and give yourself some free time,” I told myself.
But, something has changed.
Something or someone has compelled me to tell my story.
To tell of the pain, the joy, the challenge and the overcoming.
To tell my story so that others might be helped.
To tell my story in order to get out of my own mind.
I’ve given up knowing where the path leads.
At times I think I see glimpses,
glimpses just far enough ahead to see where to take the next step.
So, that’s what I’m doing.
Writing. A step.
Being in community. Another step.
Yes, every so often I think I see clearly.
Speaking would be a step.
Writing a memoir, another step.
Communing with those families in need, getting me farther down the path.
But, then, the fog comes in
and I am more and more convinced that my role is to just be.
As Loder says so eloquently,
“It’s not just the big stuff, the big people,
but every person we meet, every choice we make,
every act we do, every word we speak
that matters enormously…
God is always using someone around us
as needles to tattoo grace and mercy and hope
and joy on our makeshift lives.”
Lord, let me tattoo others
and may I let them mark me for a lifetime as well.
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