Why do I do all this?
Why do I do all this?
Double-digit hours at work, followed by seemingly endless studies.
Factor in errands and relationships and my schedule feels like Escher’s staircase.
No reprieve and little rest.
Certainly very little space to simply be.
Be the image of God. Be playful. Be present. Be me.
Who am I trying to impress?
Myself? Not impressed, just tired and worn out.
God? He’d be more impressed if I just rested in faith.
You? Maybe. So, how am I doing so far?
Oh, how I enjoy the pat on the back or the kudos of a job well done.
I thrive on that, it seems.
Work becomes a place for me to prove that “I can.”
If only through working more hours or saying the right thing.
“You’ll see,” I say. “My disability can’t stop me.”
So, why grad school?
Yes, I thought God was calling me.
Either he changed his mind or I missed his call the first time.
Either way, what compels me to study and write after most folks have retired for the night?
Will you be impressed if I stay up reading after midnight and, then, am in the office at 8 a.m.?
Does a high GPA entice you to like me more?
Once again, I’ve got something to prove.
Nothing is going to stop me – even if my sanity and soul are at risk in the pursuance.
But, very little do I pursue life.
Friend, you know when I’m pursuing life.
I make time for you – to enjoy a meal together, to drink a bottle of wine, to laugh.
But, it feels that those times are too few and too rushed.
I must get back to impressing you.
Sorry to check out, but I need to be productive.
What am I producing, though?
Memos, papers, arrogance.
There is very little time for things like intimacy, conversation, play and the like.
If you’ve experienced that with me, then welcome.
Welcome to the real Greg.
Welcome to the guy that’s stepped out of the hamster wheel, if only temporarily.
Welcome to me being. And, thank you for allowing for that.
Well, it’s late and I must get back to reading.
I must, or else you might not be impressed.
A Refreshing Break
For those that know me well, you know that I like being productive and getting things done. And, when it comes to work, this can certainly be to my detriment. You'd also know that it's a cray season at work for me right now -- working on a proposal to renew my main client (and maybe save my job), planning for FY10 and mentoring a new group of interns. This past week I left the office after 10:15 p.m. two nights in a row and today (Saturday) I spent several hours in the office again. So, obviously, it has been a long week.
One thing I'm noticing is that, as I get older, my body doesn't handle the long hours as well as it once did. That's one of the downfalls of both getting older and living in a body that requires a little extra effort just to make it through the day. Now, you may be surprised to hear that from me. But, it's a new leaf that I'm turning over -- admitting that life is a bit more strenuous and tiring for me as a man that does everything unconventionally. Long hours mean limited sleep, extra hours at a computer typing with my feet and a worn neck and knees. And age is a complicating factor, too (as it is for most of us)!
In the midst of this frantic pace, somehow a couple weeks ago I decided that it would be smart to issue an invitation to several folks from my condominium building to come over for an evening of dinner and conversation. Well, it ended up being a brilliant decision! The invitation was issued over Facebook and three couples accepted the offer and came over for a barbeque and to watch the Sounders soccer game tonight. Let me tell you, it was what I needed -- a refreshing break from the rat race that my life has been as of late.
Now, that may also be a surprise to those who know me well. I tend to see each appointment, task or project as something on a "to do" list that needs to be checked off. Pathetic, I know. But, sometimes my mind starts racing and that's how I approach life. It's especially true when my schedule gets busy. As I left work at 4:15 today I knew I'd be pressing it on time to get to Trader Joe's and then home in time to clean up ahead of my company arriving at 6 p.m. As I sat in Seattle traffic (lately exacerbated by spring road construction), I realized that I was not going to make it home more than a few minutes ahead of my guests. With a trunk full of groceries and a house that needed to be picked up, I was stressed. The entire way home and at the grocery store I was on edge and irritable. I get that way when I fail to plan ahead and don't allow myself enough time to get somewhere.
Luckily the first of my neighbors arrived fashionably late at 6:15 p.m., giving me just enough time to clean up the kitchen, pick-up the living room and unpack the few bags of groceries. From that point on it was pure enjoyment (except for the fact that the Sounders lost).
What struck me tonight was how necessary and refreshing it is to spend time in community -- no matter how busy life seems. Was this another thing to add to my already packed schedule? Yes, especially since I volunteered to host. And, there was also the potential to see it as just another task. Hang out with neighbors -- check!
It simply didn't feel like that, though. Thankfully not. Instead, I came away refreshed having connected with friends and having met a new couple in my building. It was just the break I needed!
Now, I'm either headed to bed or am going to work for a little while. Back into the hampster wheel I go, recognizing how glorious the break was!