Being | Sighs and Hallelujahs

3Aug/095

Why do I do all this?

Why do I do all this?
Double-digit hours at work, followed by seemingly endless studies.
Factor in errands and relationships and my schedule feels like Escher’s staircase.
No reprieve and little rest.
Certainly very little space to simply be.
Be the image of God. Be playful. Be present. Be me.

Who am I trying to impress?
Myself? Not impressed, just tired and worn out.
God? He’d be more impressed if I just rested in faith.
You? Maybe. So, how am I doing so far?

Oh, how I enjoy the pat on the back or the kudos of a job well done.
I thrive on that, it seems.
Work becomes a place for me to prove that “I can.”
If only through working more hours or saying the right thing.
“You’ll see,” I say. “My disability can’t stop me.”

So, why grad school?
Yes, I thought God was calling me.
Either he changed his mind or I missed his call the first time.
Either way, what compels me to study and write after most folks have retired for the night?
Will you be impressed if I stay up reading after midnight and, then, am in the office at 8 a.m.?
Does a high GPA entice you to like me more?
Once again, I’ve got something to prove.
Nothing is going to stop me – even if my sanity and soul are at risk in the pursuance.

But, very little do I pursue life.
Friend, you know when I’m pursuing life.
I make time for you – to enjoy a meal together, to drink a bottle of wine, to laugh.
But, it feels that those times are too few and too rushed.
I must get back to impressing you.
Sorry to check out, but I need to be productive.

What am I producing, though?
Memos, papers, arrogance.
There is very little time for things like intimacy, conversation, play and the like.
If you’ve experienced that with me, then welcome.
Welcome to the real Greg.
Welcome to the guy that’s stepped out of the hamster wheel, if only temporarily.
Welcome to me being. And, thank you for allowing for that.

Well, it’s late and I must get back to reading.
I must, or else you might not be impressed.