Sighs and Hallelujahs Stories and thoughts about the adventures of life without arms

Disguising Disability

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."
-- Cyril Connolly

Something has struck me as of late. It seems to me that most folks with disabilities that write or speak on the topic -- and that appeal to a broader audience -- tend to be motivational speakers. This is especially true within the Christian culture.

That's disappointing to me. I understand that my life, and others' that have overcome disability, are inspiring from an outsider's perspective. To be honest, I sometimes amaze myself. But, it scares me that I might have to hide a piece of who I am in order speak to you.

The physical limitations that I exhibit from a stage or a photo will always be fairly obvious, I suppose. That is also true for a lady in a wheelchair or a man without arms and legs.

What I'm speaking to is the message that everything is okay and that God has made me content and ubiquitously happy. That's almost required for most folks to encounter disability. In other words, what can I do to hide or limit the pain and challenge of my disability in order to make you comfortable in engaging the conversation?

That is the dichotomy I wrestle with. Some of us will never escape our marked bodies that so clearly exhibit loss. Yet, there seems to be a desire that most of the words we speak exhibit very little of that pain and reality.

I will likely never write a New York Times' best-seller or speak to audiences numbering in the thousands at packed arenas. My problem is that my thoughts will always be tinged with reality of the hardship that disability brings.

Yes, there are happy and joy-filled days in my life -- days where the light of life seems to shine down directly on me. But, there are nights like tonight where my worn knee throbs, my emotions are raw, and my mind is tired. Therefore, I'll always speak the truth about challenges and not minimize the limitations inherent in my body.

After all, I'd rather stay true to myself and end up writing for an audience of one.