Fear of the Unknown

15Jun/101

Just a quick check-in tonight. Although I wanted to post something soon, as I missed my normal Sunday night update, I also stopped by here tonight to clear my mind a bit.

This past week or so I've been working on a research paper for my Old Testament class in grad school. This is my second to last class before I fulfill my requirements and graduate. Exciting, huh?

Well, the process of writing this last paper for this class has felt like a slog through the mud. I write quite a bit and I even have a clear picture of where I'm headed with this 10-page paper. Ten pages sounds like a lot, but it really is relatively short in contrast to previous assignments. Although, admittedly, I just want to be finished with classes and my brain has checked out a bit, the struggle to finish this paper has felt much harder than simple "senior-itis". Then, during a dream last night, it hit me!

In my dream I was sitting at the location of my commencement ahead of the ceremony and I just broke down. It felt so overwhelming to be done. I remember saying to a classmate, "Who will I be after this? This is all I've known for so long." It was a horrifying feeling! I was at this event that was supposed to be a celebration and, instead, it felt like an ending -- the death of a part of my identity. I woke up with tears streaming down my face and I thought, "I wonder what that was all about."

As I thought about it this morning, it became clear. For as much excitement, celebration and freedom that lies ahead of me as I complete my degree these next few weeks, I am also very afraid of the unknown. I suppose we all are. Who will I be, at my core, once I have my Master's? What will fill that void of classes and being a student? Those are tough ones for me to answer right now, as silly as it might sound.

All I know is that I'll have to push through it in order to get this damn paper written, because the due date isn't going to wait for me to sort out my life!