Sighs and Hallelujahs Stories and thoughts about the adventures of life without arms

Uncomfortably Comfortable

This has been a rough week for me, both personally and professionally. This week has been full of questions, waiting and feelings of inadequacy. None of us enjoys these feelings and they've hit me especially hard these past several days. Matter of fact, it's probably why I'm sitting here with an empty Ben & Jerry's container beside me and a glass of wine (not close to empty... yet)!

It was just last weekend when I was telling close friends and family that I was "uncomfortably comfortable" -- not feeling good about how comfortable and settled my life felt. I certainly understand that there are times when being comfortable is both good and necessary, especially for me as a man without arms. The problem is that I spend most of my life in the area of routine and comfort, where there is little risk or adventure and I'm constantly on guard against surprises. Within the past couple of weeks I'd begun to realize that I was way too comfortable in most areas of my life -- work, home, friends, financially, etc. Comfortable to the point that it started to bother me. Isn't there more to life? Shouldn't I be living a life that is fully alive and passionate? These questions have plagued me over the past few weeks.

Well, I should have been careful what I asked for! Within the past week several things have happened that have shaken me and have left me feeling more vulnerable and unsure of myself than I have in quite a while. This could end up being just what I needed -- a kick in ass to get going in a different direction. But, it's a really horrible feeling. No sugar-coating it; I may look back on this week as the time when things changed for the best, but right now it feels shitty. Some of the things happening are due to my actions, while others were unseen and completely out of my control. Either way, they've got me down.

The sad thing is that it usually takes weeks like this in order to get me to make changes. Even though I voted for Obama, I really dislike change! Part of that could be due to genetics (my parents have lived in eastern Washington their entire lives) and my personality, but it was a few years ago that a friend of mine inquired how my disability may play a role in my reluctance to make changes. His mother is missing an arm and we were discussing how she sometimes resists change and tries to organize things around her in a manner that would limit surprises, risks and new situations. He, then, asked me if that was an issue for me. I'd never really thought of it that way, but over the subsequent years I'm realizing more and more that my decisions not to risk or to move is impacted heavily by my disability. I'm a man of routine and comfort.

When it comes to grocery shopping, I tend to shop at either Trader Joe's on Queen Anne or at Central Market in Shoreline. I know the layout of these stores and the employees at these locations know me, greet me and give me assistance when I'm there. (Matter of fact, I was at Trader Joe's today and had to ask the check-out person to help me get my wallet out of my back jeans pocket because I'd failed to remember that I had a friend place it there ahead of an earlier walk.) I get gas at the same station whenever possible because I can reach the slot for the credit card with my left foot and do not require assistance. Whenever possible, I limit my interactions with people I've never met due to the awkward situation that arises when people try to shake my hand. These are just some of the day-to-day choices that I make in order to stay safe and avoid surprises.

At a macro level, I've worked at the same company since I graduated from college and I'm coming up on my ten-year anniversary there. I've lived in Seattle the past twelve years and I flinch at the thought of having to move anywhere else. I keep a small group of friends close to me, sometimes to the exclusion of opening up to a larger social network and new friendships. And, I've lived alone the majority of these past eight years and I'm very accustomed to things happening on my schedule and my terms. Again, some of things may be fine and helpful. But, some are not.

Because my physical abilities are somewhat limited, I spend much time anticipating and planning ahead for day-to-day tasks and interactions. If I'm going somewhere for more than a few hours then I need to plan for how I'll use the restroom, likely requiring me to bring the clamp I posted about previously. Unlike earlier today, I tend to know exactly where my wallet is and what cash and cards I have in it. And, whether necessary or not, I recognize that I spend a good portion of conversations figuring out how I'm going to respond Instead of fully listening. When you feel as though you're working from a deficit physically, you become very strategic and you make sure you've got your bases covered. Believe me, it's fairly humiliating to be in the check-out line asking someone you don't know well to reach into your jeans pocket to help get your credit card out because you suddenly realize that you've pulled a smaller section out of your larger wallet. And that section in your pocket has your means of payment. (I'm sure it was awkward for him, as well).

Anticipating and playing defense creates a challenge with being present and alive, though. This is a balance that I will struggle with throughout my life. In order to survive I will always have a proactive mindset; I just have to be vulnerable enough to let others help when needed and be willing to take risks and be surprised at times.

My challenge is to recognize when I'm not taking risks and living life to the fullest and, then, to change my routines in order to get me out of my shell. In some ways I've made great strides at that over the past couple of years and I'm very happy about those changes. Now I just need to keep pressing in hopes that I'll be surprised and unsettled in the future. Discomfort is where I grow the most. Is that the same for you? I'd certainly welcome others' stories. The Bible seems to show that through stories like Noah, Moses, etc. and I wouldn't be surprised if God still works in the same way.

The hard part of rough weeks and changes is that we all need fellow pilgrims on the journey for support and conversation, and I'd love to hear the changes that each of you is seeing in your life. I truly want to this to be a place of interaction and conversation.

Finally, next time you chat with me ask me what I'm doing to take risks and to live life to the fullest. And if I say that I'm comfortable, that's probably not a good thing!